One year ago, I didn't even know there was such a thing as an "exclusive pumper." Nor did I know about the world of the NICU and premature babies.
My plan was to breastfeed. My mom breastfed me. Breastmilk is good for mamas and babies, and much cheaper than formula. So it seemed like a good plan.
Then S came 3 months early. Breastmilk, while good for full-term babies,can be crucial for micro-preemies. S was fed via a tube for the first month and a half of her life, so if she was going to get breastmilk, I was going to have to pump.
When it came time to try her first feeding by mouth, I was given an option: try breastfeeding exclusively or go with a bottle. Bottle feeding was the fast track out of the NICU. S had been in the hospital for ages, and I just wanted my baby to come home. Can anyone blame me for choosing the bottle?
After S came home I tried to switch her to breastfeeding. By this point I had been pumping exclusively for over two months, which had done a number on me and made my attempts at breastfeeding more than a little painful. We always had to use a nipple shield. S would fall asleep nursing, and I would still have to feed her a bottle and pump, so my experiments with nursing were taking three times as long as just pumping.
A few weeks into trying, I gave up. It was hard, it hurt, it was time consuming... and we were making zero progress. Breastfeeding was my first choice. Exclusive pumping became my fall back plan.
By December my stock-piled frozen breastmilk had run out, and we started supplementing with formula. I was still pumping 7-8 times a day, and not making enough milk to keep up with my daughter's demands.
The bigger S has gotten, the more challenging pumping has become. If you've spent anytime around me in person, you've heard me say more than once that
"I just don't even know what I'll do with all the extra time I have once I stop pumping."
"I don't know how much longer I can do this!"
"Sorry, I can't stay out any longer- I've got to get home and pump!"
"I feel chained to my pump."
"I can't imagine life without pumping."
To conserve time spent on the couch, I bottle feed S while pumping. Today she is over 16 pounds, extremely squirmy and strong and active... I'm sure you can imagine the rest.
Every single pumping session (6 times a day, mind you), I'm dealing with a baby who doesn't like to be scrunched on my lap, kicking pump pieces, pulling out tubes, spilling milk down my chest, throwing off the alignment of my flanges, and contorting body parts into directions that they were not meant to go.
It is bothersome, to say in the least. And oftentimes very painful. And the bottom line? Both S and I are constantly feeling frustrated.
Yesterday I hit my breaking point. I'm just not sure how much longer I can do this! My goal was to make it one year.... I am only one month away, and yet I doubt that I will be able to make it to my goal with my sanity still intact.
What to do??? All kinds of mother guilt is hitting me. I want S to have the best, I'm home for her (not housework), and I save all kinds of money for our family by pumping.
I don't want to be rash in my decision either. For now I'm thinking of slowly cutting back, maybe just pumping 5xs a day? This is a hard call and I'm torn.
And that's where I'm at today friends- debating, doubting, stuck in a rut... It's the honest truth. Welcome to a day in my life.
Have you ever felt burnt out as a mom? What would you do in my situation? And how do you go about making important parenting decisions?
